I've Never Been a Member of the "Why Me?" Club

Severing. Sifting. Obedience. Huge words that have been my mantra lately. My calling, if you will. For the past, oh, 1 or 2 years, I have felt God calling me to much different things than I have ever faced before. Yes, even after Mike had cancer. That year (plus) was a different book altogether.

I am entering a new chapter, a new book. If I had to give the book a title, it would be, "I Hate Job." Job, long o, as in the man, not job, as in working.

I don't understand the book of Job in the Bible. In fact, I hate it. I avoid it. I tune out when I hear sermons on it. In fact, in my determination to read through the Bible this year, I stopped after venturing into the first couple of chapters in the book. And, since I can't do things half-heartedly, I haven't picked it back up again.

But, as He does, God has placed the message of Job all around me lately. In church, in e-mails, on random podcasts and church sermons I watch on TV. Mike reads the Bible to Alicia almost every night, and he recently started on Job. And, as I pass by the room, with an ear open, I have been listening to him read from that dreadful book for weeks now! I even said to him, "Why are you reading that to her? It doesn't even make sense to an adult."

Now, hear me out. I love the Bible and I do believe that all scripture is God-breathed and inspired and useful for training, rebuking, etc, etc, etc. But this book is one I have never understood. Why would God pick on this good guy? Why would He strip him of everything, turn his wife against him, and send three well-meaning, albeit nasty, friends his way? What did he do to deserve such harsh treatment? And the advice the friends give him don't make any sense to me. Are they on his side or not?

Anyway, back to my story. I have felt a bit like Job lately. In order to explain I need to go back. Back to the pre-cancer years. As I've mentioned in earlier blog posts, I prayed that God would do "whatever it takes" to restore and strengthen our marriage and for Mike and I to grow together in the Lord. I had prayed and sacrificed everything that I thought was most dear to me, including my children. I went through a grieving of sorts, even though I didn't physically lose my children, I was prepared to if that was what Jesus decided.

Enter cancer. And, although it was a horrible, ugly time, full of hurts, confusions, sadness, etc., it could have been worse. I thought, "Okay, Lord, this is the answer to my prayer. This is the "whatever" that I've been seeking."

Though that year was tough, I wouldn't trade the relationship that Mike and I have developed since then. We are still growing closer, and I love the man that Mike is becoming. I am seeing more growth and more wonderful-ness every day! There were times, many times that I thought I would never say these words. But I can honestly say that I love him now more than I ever have and it is only getting better!

As we grow in our faith and relationship with Jesus Christ, He asks us to make sacrifices along the way. I have been feeling propelled to make sacrifices. Over the past year and a half, there have been many things that God has stripped from me, ripped from me, purged me from.

Severed.

I felt like I needed to let go of many activities. Women's Bible study, things I was involved in regarding church, children's story, women's retreats, scrap-booking events. All good things. All things I would normally attend/do. All productive, purposeful wholesome Christian activities. But when things would come up, I heard a clear, "No, my beloved" in my spirit. Some things were easy to let go. Others were harder. Some I was unwilling to let go.

For example, the annual fall Women's Retreat held at a Christian camp nearby. It had sort of become tradition that several ladies from our congregation would go together for this over-nighter. In 2010, I felt the pressure to go again, but really had no desire to. I had no joy or excitement as the time approached, and almost backed out several times. I thought, oh, it's just me. Once I'm there it will be fine. As the weekend approached, I dreaded it. I think I knew that I just wasn't supposed to go, but still wanted to be part of the group. The whole weekend I felt distanced from friends, not at all happy about being there, wanting to leave. But I didn't want to be seen as the odd one, and answer people's questions, like "What's your problem? Why aren't you having fun?"

Let me just say this: women, we have a way of putting pressure on our friends. I have been guilty of this as well. I regret the times when I've said to people, "Why wouldn't you come? You should. It will be so much fun!" Yes, there are times when someone is insecure or unsure and needs a friend to give a push of encouragement. But, are we certain that is what that friend needs? Do we take time to listen, sort it through with them, and help them figure out why they are feeling they way they are? Do we pour on the guilt trip, when, in fact, God has other desires for them?

Anyway, back to the retreat. Yes, I had a choice to go or not to go. I did also feel the pressure, much pressure, to go, because that's what I always would have done. In my spirit, however, I knew the Lord was nudging me differently. And I suffered for it. I had no joy that weekend and no desire to be there. I knew that I was being disobedient to Christ.

I learned something from that experience. Obedience to Christ is way more important and satisfying than giving in to peer pressure. You'd think I would have learned that in Jr. high. But, ladies we still pressure others, even if it seems like a good thing.

The months following the women's retreat, I tried to be more aware of the Holy Spirit speaking to me and heeding His words. And yes, I felt the sting of people's well-intentioned words. "What's your problem? Why aren't you coming anymore? What's up with you?" Even when I tried to explain what I was going through, I would still feel bits of guilt, misunderstanding, and judgement, from strong, Christian women! And, again, I have done this to others as well. And if it's been you reading this, I'm deeply sorry.

So, now I have eliminated many things from my life. A sifting of sorts. And it has been GOOD! I want to spend more time with my family, and my marriage is being blessed for it. It is becoming more and more clear to me what is important. Family relationships rule above all else.

Then, just when I thought the severing was complete, here Jesus goes again. Now I feel that there is something else that I must let go of. I won't go into any details, and I don't want to hurt anyone. But it is causing a bit of a grieving inside me.

That brings me to this question: "Why me?" Why is Jesus asking me to separate me from things - and people - that I love and value? Why is this necessary? It makes me even afraid to be close to anyone for fear that I will have to be severed from them as well. Was there anything wrong, unhealthy, even sinful from those activities or relationships? Not that I can see. But, as in Job's case, perhaps the separation is a test. Is Jesus asking, "You say you will do anything. You say you will serve me no matter what. I'm sorry, my darling, but I must allow this." I don't know the answer. For now however, I must obey and trust that the Saviour is leading me into something for a reason. Time will tell. I can't say that I'm thrilled about what's to come. Then again, in a sense, I feel a bit of anticipation, even a glimpse of joy, because God the Father has looked down and found me worthy. He has not forgotten me. And only wonderful things can come from obedience and unhindered devotion to Him.